Arriving here with my nuclear family one July in the 90s to live in a musky motel studio for a month was a hoot for me as a 7-year old.

I didn’t fully realize the boldness and courage of my parents being willing to uproot their little family and come to land sight unseen; though I did, to a degree, feel the depression and fear that they also held. It was a big shift away from our collectivist community- held strong with trauma and resilience in Apartheid South Africa- to an individualistic, mixed American salad bowl.

In a childish wisdom, I transmuted the loneliness and longing for my grandparents, uncles and aunties into love letters and poetry, solo dances with Celine Dion and Mariah Carey, and outdoor skits with my brother, Prashay, into Dad’s camcorder.

Visits back to South Africa showed me the starkness and duality of my rare privileges- as both an immigrant and settler- to worlds of education, opportunity and infrastructure beyond what my family back home could access.

Having all the capitalist successes a 23-year old Desi daughter could dream of- a top of market six-figure salary, stock options, 401K, high tech company retreats and parties- was nice…being disembodied and doing way too much was not.

Falling asleep on the 280 freeway between San Francisco and San Jose at 1AM one crisp September night put me in a wheelchair for two months with a DUI.

During this time, my family rearranged to have me occupy the living room and Mum bathed me and cleaned out my commode with a love and optimism that still brings me to tears.

This was the beginning of me really noticing and alchemizing my thoughts, feelings, and impact.

Within two months of dating, my and we were required to take a dramatic stand for budding Love, holding firm and compassionate boundaries with the internalized racism and trauma in my family.

Through our marriage, we practiced discernment with what customs, rituals and perspectives we wanted to keep and continue from each of our cultures and families out of choice, not just tradition.

We bridged our familial communities through Love, openness, and work. I learned about Black experiences in America through the intimacy of being a wife, daughter, sister, auntie and niece, even for a temporary time. I shared some of my beloved cultural inheritances through food like Dhar Bhat and Pay Bhaji, fireworks during Diwali and my adoration of Shiva.

I, and I believe we, showed up for the work, as best as we knew how.

I chose dignity and self-trust through betrayal, I and we chose conscious uncoupling and kindness through difference and grief, I choose divine guidance through the uncertainty.

I am a better friend, daughter, lover, community member, artist and healer because of this experience; I am continuously reflecting on how I can be accountable and responsible for higher love in all my relations.

Actively unsubscribing from intergenerational shame about divorce has been a liberation practice. Holding firm and protective boundaries from the patriarchal projections and fears of others has been a diligent practice. Allowing all the feelings has both softened and strengthened me.

I commit daily to celebrating my freedom, joy and faith in possibilities beyond what I could ever know or predict.

As I choose to see it, Godly magic has always been and continues to unfold in my life.

Several months before my divorce process began, we were planning to start our fertility journey. My body (and God) had other plans, my hormones were out of whack and my estrogen levels were very low, which would’ve made it hard to conceive, let alone hold a pregnancy.

My discipline and devotion shun vibrantly through the lifestyle changes I made thereafter- intermittent fasting, exercise, meditation, and meal prepping wholly plant-based foods.

Divinely enough though, I got a clear report from my functional medicine doctor, stating that my hormones were balanced and healthy… two weeks after choosing separation and divorce.

My body is one channel by which the Divine both humbles and guides me; this is just one example of how God leads me back to my most aligned path, again and again.